Here’s what she says in the course: “The most compassionate people I have interviewed in the past 15 years…oh my God, what do these people have in common? They are SO compassionate. I thought it was going to be spirituality, religion, faith, inherent kindness, tragedy in their past. I didn’t know what these people were going to have in common. But when we started digging in we found they only had one thing in common. There was only one variable threaded through every single one of their life experiences. And you know what it was? Boundaries.”
In her course, Brene Brown says: “The most compassionate people I have ever met and interviewed are by far the most boundaried. Because it is impossible to extend an assumption of generosity to someone who is taking advantage of you, being disrespectful, hurting you, not hearing you, not seeing you. You cannot be generous toward those people. We can only be generous to people with whom we have set boundaries, demand boundaries and stay in our integrity.”
Here’s what Dr. Brown says, “But this gets up in how many of us were raised: To be easy, to not ask for what you need, to suck it up. But that is the only way we can extend true compassion to other people is from a place from where I am clear on my boundaries, I’m clear on your boundaries, I’m standing solidly in my integrity and from here I can be generous in my assumptions of you.”
So many times, I’ve attempted to be kind and compassionate but without boundaries and it NEVER went well. Judgment and resentment were always immediately in the mix. And uncomfortable as it might have been, I always feel genuinely open-hearted and generous when I am clear about my boundaries. What about you? What do you notice about the connection between generosity, compassion and integrity?
Want to learn even more about fingers and toes? Check out this post from 2013!